May is National Mental Health Month.
I am no stranger to mental health issues. My family tree is riddled with psychiatric disorders; more specifically depression, anxiety disorders, and bipolar disorder. Suicide and alcoholism (as coping mechanisms) are just a way of life on my Dad’s side of the family. They are spoken of in a nonchalant way, almost as if they are the norm. I myself have some strong “obsessive-compulsive” tendencies (I prefer to just think of myself as a perfectionist) and a propensity toward “the blues”. (Thank God for Florida sunshine! It makes ALL the difference!) You would think I would “just understand”. But I don’t. Whatever this is that is going on with my precious firstborn…I am a stranger to. I am totally perplexed. I don’t understand it at all. I WANT to. I want to understand it. I want to FIX it. But I can’t.
Several of you have been inquiring as to how Audrey is doing lately. I haven’t been trying to avoid the question, necessarily…but rather just trying to come to grips with the new developments myself. The whole situation is heartbreaking for a mother.
Audrey is not doing well. Unfortunately, I still don’t think she sees it. We had hoped that in a less stressful environment (only one other child and none close to her age) that her behavior/condition/functioning would improve…but it hasn’t. After the initial “honeymoon” period, Audrey began acting out as she had here and at Christie’s. Her violent outbursts were now aimed at the six-year-old child with whom she now shared a home. She was Baker-acted last Friday, released after 72 hours as she always has been previously, without receiving the help she really needs (same old story — “the system” is a joke.) She is currently in some sort of short-term residential treatment — a “shelter” of sorts, while other arrangements are being sought out.
Here is the problem though (besides Audrey continually falling through the cracks in the system) — she doesn’t SEE the need for help. Christie said it best when she said, “How can you help someone who doesn’t want to be helped?” That’s Audrey. Audrey doesn’t acknowledge that she has a problem. She sees everyone else…anyone who will not give her her way, as the problem. She’s just fine…in her mind.
The average person can hurt someone, lie, cheat, etc. — and feel some sort of guilt or remorse — while Audrey can turn someone’s life completely upside down and just go about her business like nothing ever happened. I can’t even explain what kind of emotional roller coaster ride that puts us — her family (especially her younger siblings) on.
Our child is almost seventeen years old, and we still have no answers. We have a couple of diagnoses (bipolar disorder and high-functioning autism), but still no concrete answers. I believe there is something so much more complex going on than either of her diagnoses can cover.
And I want to know “why”. That is the BIGGEST question that I want answered. What happened that caused my daughter’s brain to go so…wrong? She was raised just like the other children. An only child for her first three and a half years, she was VERY doted on. She was the center of our lives. Never abused or neglected. She never went without anything. I was so careful about everything from the minute I found out I was pregnant. I even gave up CHOCOLATE for the pregnancy, just in case. So what went wrong? Did something happen in utero? Was it the vaccinations that we know triggered her autism? Could they have also damaged whatever part of the brain it is where your conscience resides? What took away her conscience?
Are there any effective treatments out there? We have tried everything we can think of…to no avail. The best we’ve been able to do is “lessen” the degree of the symptoms through medication, or sedate her when she gets too violent. When she was younger we resorted to helmets and such to keep her safe. None of these things serve to really “treat” the problem. Is the problem even treatable?
What is going to happen to her as an adult? How will her life play out? Is there hope? Will my heart ever stop breaking?
I am trying to lie low and just allow “Ms. Kelly” to handle the current situation, as she has asked, but it’s difficult. I love Audrey too much. She’s still my baby — and no amount of hurt she ever inflicts on me or my other children will ever change that. I wish it could. I wish I could just let go….but even more, I wish she could just be miraculously healed — and our family could then be miraculously healed. (…and they all lived happily ever after.)
So that’s where we stand at this point. Still no answers. Still no improvements. No assurance on any fronts. Certainly no fairy tale endings. I have spent the last several days trying to “hold it together” in front of the children, while crying myself to sleep at night with a stress-induced migraine, or calling my own Mom in tears hoping SHE’LL have some answers (she never does….but she does offer a nice long-distance shoulder to cry on.) I have SO many blessings in my life, and yet, because of this stuff with my oldest child, I feel so empty sometimes.
Continued prayers appreciated.
That brings me back to my featured topic for May:
As I mentioned, May is National Mental Health Month…and what better way to spread the word than to tell our own little helpless story. I feel the NEED to spread the word only because I know without a doubt that there are other suffering families out there — families who have no answers and who have tried repeatedly to reach out for help, only to be turned away empty-handed. When it comes to mental health in this country, the system really IS broken. The resources just aren’t THERE! — Especially when it comes to children with mental health issues.
Did You Know?
- Only about 21 percent of children in the United States who need mental health services actually receive them.
See Child and Adolescent Fast Facts for more child-related startling mental health statistics.
Brief update:
I just heard from Audrey for the first time in weeks. She sneaked a call to me from a borrowed cell phone. The conversation was extremely brief, so I didn’t get the chance to say what needed to be said. So, Audrey — in case you have computer access and are checking my blog from time to time –
We all love you and miss you very much.
You NEED help. The reason you can’t live at home right now is because you hurt people, whether you mean to or not. You lack self control. I know you don’t think you need help, but you do. PLEASE understand that all of us — Dad and I, Ms. Kelly and Mr. Bruce, the doctors — we only want what is best for you. We are trying to get you help. Please accept the help, whether you think you need it or not. Please do whatever it takes to get better. Don’t buck the system. Don’t just “play the game”. Please just really try.
Even if you feel alone right now, know that we are not abandoning you. We love you.
